Disgruntling Affairs
by WhirledPeace
Summary: Zetsu seduces his old friend Kakuzu, in order to narrow down the possibilities of his new partner. Zetsu doesn't make a particularly pleasant cupid, but in Akatsuki, you take what you can get. Yaoi, lemon, KakuZet, implied one-sided KakuHi.


A/N: Hey all! This kind of goes with "Unguided" and "This Nonsensical Thing We Call...". But it's sort of before either of them. And absolutely has NOTHING to do with "Moonlight". Damn, I've made Zetsu sleep with almost every Akatsuki... I see him a lot with the older ones, like Kisame and Kakuzu. But KisaZet is my fave! :D Anyway, enjoy this little KakuZet snippet!

-WP

* * *

"You killed your partner."  
"Yes, sir."  
"Let me get this straight: you _killed _your _partner_."  
"Yes, sir," Kakuzu repeated. Pein sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
"I don't have time for this. You are such a headache. Zetsu! Zetsu, get in here!" he called. After a moment the door to the office opened and the bi-colored youth stepped in. He smirked at Kakuzu.  
"Yes?" he asked.  
"Kakuzu's killed his partner and disposed the body somewhere near the land of fire. Go eat him."  
"Aw. Nothing much more?" Zetsu pouted.  
"We'll discuss your further orders when you return. Get going."  
"Is that truly any way to talk to me?" Zetsu sighed. "Honestly. I'll eat one of your paths." But he gave a wink to Kakuzu and left. Pein sighed.  
"Such a brat," he muttered. "Only sixteen. Can you believe that? Ahem. Either way, Kakuzu, I'm not happy. Not happy at all. You'll regret this by the time I pick your partner." Pein stood and crossed to look out the window. "You are dismissed."

* * *

Kakuzu was alone in his room, doing calculations. It was nice to be alone and in peaceful silence. But then there was a knock on the door. "What?" he snapped. The door creaked open and Zetsu stood in the doorway, smirking at Kakuzu.  
"Hey," he greeted. "What're you doing?"  
"Math. Would you mind fucking off?" Kakuzu asked.  
"Hmm. Well, obviously you don't want to hear what I have to say, then," Zetsu said, grinning and examining his nails. Kakuzu gritted his teeth. There was a list even shorter than the one with the things he hated. It was a list of all the nin who wouldn't even break a sweat killing Kakuzu. Strangely enough, Zetsu made his way quite dandily onto both lists.  
"What do you want? I'm very busy," Kakuzu sighed.  
"Oh, well, I'll just leave then. I guess your partner can remain a secret." Zetsu chuckled as Kakuzu got up, knocking over his chair. "Really, what do you expect when you're so rude to your superiors?"  
"No, I'm sorry, I was just busy-"  
"I'm sure Kisame-kun would like some company. I could just leave now and-"  
"Stop, please. I'm listening. Who is it?" Kakuzu asked.  
"Mmm. Wouldn't you like to know," Zetsu taunted. But he stepped into the room and closed the door. "It's not set in stone, but there are two main candidates. Only… it depends, really." Zetsu shrugged.  
"Oh, that helps a lot," Kakuzu griped, rolling his eyes. "If that's all, would you-"  
"Oh, but maybe I'll tell you," Zetsu cut off. "But then again, maybe I won't." He playfully walked over to Kakuzu's desk, looking over the papers. "You've added wrong, here," he commented.  
"I wouldn't have if you hadn't interrupted me," Kakuzu snapped. "If you don't have anything useful to say-"  
"But everything I say is useful," Zetsu pouted. "You're so mean." He sat on the desk, leering at Kakuzu, making it evident he was going to stay put. Kakuzu sighed, sitting back down in his chair.  
"How old are you again?" he asked.  
"Sixteen, why?" Zetsu replied. "How about you? A hundred?" he teased.  
"Not quite," Kakuzu replied dryly. Zetsu smirked. "You any good at math?" Kakuzu asked. "Feel like helping?"  
"Mmm. I'd much rather like to see you concentrate," Zetsu replied. Kakuzu sighed, looking back to his papers and calculator. It was then he realized Zetsu's thigh was dangerously close to where his hand rested. To make matters worse, Zetsu was dressed in exceedingly tight black pants. Kakuzu gulped, hesitating, before shaking it off and going back to his numbers. But his mind kept slipping back to that shapely thigh sitting just centimeters from his fingertips. He crunched a few numbers, fingers shaking and slipping a bit while trying to type them in. After a few minutes of struggling, he looked up into Zetsu's smirking eyes.  
Kakuzu's hand was resting so close to that warm flesh. Almost without his bidding, his fingers twitched to touch him. Zetsu didn't move, keeping absolutely still. Kakuzu looked up into his eyes. "You teasing little whore," he growled, snatching his hand back as if it had been directed by the teen and not his own will. "How did you guess? Did someone tell you?" he demanded. Zetsu shook his head, a Cheshire grin splitting his bi-colored face.  
"What, you think you're subtle?" he cooed. "You don't spend any money, except on food and one other commodity. You think my insatiable curiosity wouldn't let me discover this other thing? Hmm?" Zetsu laughed as Kakuzu glowered at him. From his back pocket, he pulled out a magazine. Kakuzu's eyes widened in absolute shock. Zetsu opened it and looked at its contents. He turned it around to show to the other man. Kakuzu looked away. "Which do you think is more attractive, hmm?" Zetsu mocked. "Which do you wish you were?"  
"Shut up," Kakuzu growled, and Zetsu laughed.  
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Kakuzu-san. Every man has his needs. I was only wondering, because this is quite an attractive man." Zetsu pointed at the receiving partner of the picture, with large muscles and silver hair. "Don't you think? Wouldn't you say?" Kakuzu raged to his feet, grabbing the magazine and shoving Zetsu off the desk. He didn't care if Zetsu could kill him without blinking. It was just too much to be mocked by a teenager. To his surprise, Zetsu leapt off the desk and dodged easily. But his new perch happened to be on the edge of Kakuzu's bed. And he still had the magazine. "Come on, isn't he just a little bit cute?" Zetsu teased. Kakuzu lunged for the magazine, but Zetsu was quicker. Though he kept the magazine out of Kakuzu's grasp, he didn't keep himself safe, and ended up being tackled onto the bed. Kakuzu held Zetsu down with his knees and grabbed his magazine back. He glared down at Zetsu.  
"Don't… take my things…" he said slowly. He was fighting to keep his breath under control, seeing Zetsu splayed out on his bed like that. But Zetsu was looking at him seriously now.  
"Kakuzu-san, may I ask you something?" he asked politely. Kakuzu grunted, trying not to focus on the position they were in. "Well, it has two parts. Firstly, and please don't be offended, but when was the last time you got laid?" Kakuzu's mouth dropped open.  
"What… what kind of a question is that?" he spluttered. Zetsu smirked.  
"So that brings me to my next part… is that why you're still sitting on me?"  
"Shut up," Kakuzu growled. "You're young, I'll let this slide. But know that if you keep teasing, you get what's coming to you." Zetsu smirked.  
"Maybe teasing is just asking politely," he quipped. Kakuzu, tired of Zetsu's arrogance, grabbed the teen's hands, pinning them above his head, and ground his knee between those shapely thighs. Zetsu gasped, eyes going wide. Kakuzu ripped Zetsu's shirt off, throwing it to the side, before going back to pinning Zetsu once more, his knee grinding harder into the other's crotch. But then he stopped.  
Zetsu was skinny. He had never been a particularly meaty kid, but this was just ludicrous. His ribs were practically poking holes in his skin! Kakuzu let go of his hands and sat back, just staring at the kid. Zetsu blinked up at him, confused. "What's wrong?" he asked, propping himself up slightly on his elbows. That just accentuated his skeletal build even more.  
"You… you're just a damn kid," Kakuzu stammered, running a hand through his hair. "Gods, I-"  
"Oh please, are you pretending to have a conscience?" Zetsu snapped. "Honestly, weren't you just yelling at me for teasing?"  
"I… are you a… you've done this before?" Kakuzu asked. Zetsu looked at Kakuzu with a glare that could melt bricks. In the blink of an eye, he had flipped them both, sitting on Kakuzu's legs. "You aren't even done with puberty-"  
"Kakuzu." The old man looked into the youth's eyes. "Shut up, please." And they kissed. Zetsu's hands slipped up Kakuzu's shirt, and eventually got it off him. He then started on the pants. Kakuzu lifted his hips, allowing himself to be stripped. Zetsu's tongue was soft, surprisingly so, and gentle against Kakuzu's own. But his fangs were all too close, and reminded the old man of the teen's true power. Zetsu pulled away, smirking down at the man. "No underwear?" he asked cheekily. Kakuzu glowered at him, now finding himself completely naked and semi-aroused. Zetsu was now studying him, smirking. "Who would have guessed?" he muttered, shamelessly touching Kakuzu's penis. Kakuzu shivered. "Now that we have this established, how would you like to take the lead, hmm?" They made eye contact, and Kakuzu looked away. Zetsu frowned. "You're scared." It was just a statement.  
"N-no-" Kakuzu tried, but fell silent.  
"Just like him," Zetsu whispered. Growling, he climbed off of Kakuzu, back to the man. "Well, if-"  
"Zetsu, please!" Kakuzu pleaded, getting off the bed. His tendrils wrapped around the teen, dragging their bodies together. His hands roamed freely over the surprisingly smooth skin. The white side felt softer than the dark, and there was a slight ridge where the two skin tones melded. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be scared. You… you could kill me, but you won't. I'm sorry." Zetsu turned around, wrapping his arms around Kakuzu's neck and kissing him soundly. They tumbled back onto the bed, Zetsu's pants and undergarments being shed in the process. They wrapped legs and arms around each other, entwined, and kissed fervently. They ended up on their sides, facing each other. Kakuzu selected a few tendrils, slipping them down between their hot and sweaty bodies. Zetsu's knees were on Kakuzu's shoulders, his legs curled and spread. He held on to the man as those tendrils prodded at his tender insides. He gasped as one dipped inside. "Tell me if I hurt you," Kakuzu whispered against his lips. Zetsu nodded, eyes closed. Kakuzu picked up the pace, going deeper. Zetsu whimpered and hissed, eyes snapping open.  
"Wait," he gasped. Kakuzu remained perfectly still for a minute. "All right," Zetsu said eventually. "You can go on." Kakuzu did so, sliding the tentacles in and out, but never growing too rough. He was reminded that although Zetsu was an insanely good nin, he had never had much practice at this. He kept from going too deep, but did do a bit of poking around to try and find the youth's prostate in advance. Which he did quite nicely. Zetsu gasped, squirming against Kakuzu and panting. Deciding Zetsu was profusely stretched, Kakuzu pulled his tendrils out and sat up.  
Zetsu sat up as well, straddling Kakuzu. The old man sat with his legs over the edge of the bed, and his hands on Zetsu's hips. Zetsu kissed him full on the mouth, before slowly sliding down his thick cock. Kakuzu groaned, holding Zetsu in a crushing hug. It had definitely been too long.  
Zetsu remained still for a long minute, before beginning to slide up and down. They groaned together, gasping and bucking. Kakuzu could see, part way through, that Zetsu was tiring, so he stopped all movement and flipped them, throwing the teen down on the bed and climbing atop him. They kissed, and Zetsu brought his legs up to wrap around Kakuzu's shoulders. "Quite flexible," the old man noted, before grabbing the teen's hips and beginning where they had left off. With the new angle, Kakuzu was able to pound senselessly into Zetsu's prostate, and soon the teen came, shooting his stringy seed all over his abdomen. Kakuzu stayed still as Zetsu writhed in pleasure, before calming down. The old man smirked, pulling out and leaning forward, licking up the gooey cum. Zetsu's breathing was light and delicate, and this almost innocent sound made Kakuzu's erection twitch painfully.  
"Roll over," the old man instructed. Zetsu did as he was told. Kakuzu grabbed the boy's hips, raising his arse in the air, before starting up once more. He was close, it wouldn't take long. After a minute or two he groaned and shot his load deep inside Zetsu's heat. Zetsu shuddered, but waited calmly for Kakuzu to regain his senses. Eventually, they both just collapsed, limbs entwined.

* * *

They dozed for a time. Kakuzu woke to find Zetsu still in the bed, still completely naked, and looking at the magazine again. "One would think you'd never seen porn before," Kakuzu shot. Zetsu looked over and smirked.  
"Well, usually it doesn't catch my eye. But this man… mmm…" Zetsu had drawn a good deal of red hearts around the man with silver hair.  
"Are you mocking me?" Kakuzu growled.  
"Well, he is the only one you buy porn of," Zetsu replied. "But anyway, about your partner…"  
"Yes?" Kakuzu prompted.  
"Well, I've got it narrowed down to one. You'll meet him soon enough." Zetsu laughed at Kakuzu's grumpy expression. "Anyway, I've got shit to do. Thanks for a wonderful time." Zetsu got up and began to get dressed.  
"So that's it?" Kakuzu asked. "Just a one time thing?" Zetsu looked affectionately at him.  
"Kakuzu-san, how about this. If you still want to fuck me in a month's time, you have my blessing. But if someone else wanders into your life, well, there won't be much of a need for me, then." Zetsu kissed his cheek, before winking and leaving. Kakuzu sighed.

* * *

Hidan had just gotten out of a photo shoot, and was walking towards the exit of the studio. He was thinking about a good supper, and maybe that cute new photographer. "Hidan?" a sultry voice asked. He was shaken from his thoughts and looked around for the mysterious caller. He was used to people saying his name like that, it was nothing new. But this person most definitely was.  
A teenager, sixteen or seventeen, stood before him. He was half white and half black, with scruffy green hair and a smirk. "Yeah?" Hidan asked. "Who are you?" He was out of the Shinobi business, he reminded himself. He was undercover, and no one could possibly know…  
"My name's Zetsu," the teen said. "Tell me, how much does porn pay?" he asked. Hidan laughed.  
"I don't think they're hiring freaks," he replied. The teen's smirk widened, and he shook his head.  
"It can't be that fun," he commented. "I mean, everyone just wants you for your outside, not for what's on the inside." Hidan laughed.  
"Not much up here anyway," he said, tapping his head. Zetsu walked over to him.  
"I wasn't talking about that balloon atop your neck," he said. "I was talking about here." And he placed a hand on Hidan's chest. "And I'm not being particularly metaphorical," he added. Hidan stepped back.  
"What are you talking about?" he growled.  
"I'm talking about a certain something of yours that will never stop. To put it bluntly for you, stupid little man, I'm talking about your heart." Zetsu tapped his foot, looking sternly at Hidan.  
"How… how do you know about that?" Hidan cried. Zetsu waved a hand.  
"Oh please. It wasn't too difficult. But that's not the point. The point is, a miracle like that shouldn't be put to waste. With your skills, though you are a bit slow, an immortal could rule the world."  
"Look, I don't do that anymore," Hidan snapped, turning on his heel and leaving. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to tell your stupid leader-"  
"Oh my," Zetsu said coldly. Hidan froze. "You are adorable," Zetsu cackled. "You thought I was offering." Hidan found vines wrapping themselves around his legs and up his body. Zetsu walked around him, to look him in the eye. "I wasn't." Hidan snatched out a kunai he kept for emergencies, and sliced the vines.  
"Pussy," he sneered.

* * *

"So when do you think he'll regain consciousness?" Pein asked. Zetsu shrugged.  
"Couldn't quite say. But I think he should be in perfect condition when he meets Kakuzu-san."  
"Yes… I agree. And until then, still a surprise?" Pein asked.  
"Oh yes."

* * *

"You don't look good with wings." Zetsu looked up from his scrolls and grinned at Kakuzu.  
"But I think I made the best choice," he replied, getting up and dusting off his knees. Kakuzu stepped into his room.  
"I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you," Kakuzu said bluntly.  
"You don't like your new partner?" Zetsu asked, feigning innocence.  
"He's annoying as fuck but sexy as hell," Kakuzu griped. "Still, it's appreciated."  
"I talked Leader-sama into it. I didn't tell him he was a porn star," Zetsu explained. "But let me tell you, cleaning out that old room was not easy."  
"Anyway, I came to ask you something," Kakuzu went on, ignoring Zetsu's slightly troubling statement. "My magazine…" Understanding dawned on his face. "You… you wouldn't-"  
"Mm. Speculation." Zetsu cackled as Kakuzu ran from the room. "You're right, I don't look good with wings," he muttered to his demon.  
"Kakuzu-san is just one big surprise, isn't he?" the dark half commented. "But I dislike your methods of sex. I'd rather not be on the receiving end anymore."  
"Oh hush. Once we get this technique figured out, we can do sex however we want," the lighter half replied dismissively. "Besides, you can handle being brought down a notch. I happen to like anal stimulation."  
"Why do you always sound like a text book?" the darker half grumbled. "Besides, I'm choosing our next partner."  
"If you choose, I get to direct sex," the lighter side replied. "So long as no one makes Madara eyes again."  
"I love it when they quiver in fear," the dark side growled.  
"Anyway, at least we know Kakuzu's happy."  
"That would take a matter of perspective," the darker half snidely remarked, and they shared a cackle.


End file.
